The Silent Scream [6th Chapter]

Ok, this was weird…First Heather didn’t talked to her the whole weekend, then she wasn’t at the spot before school and no everyone was acting weird… There was something no one had told her yet, she was starting to freak out and the way that guy was looking at her wasn’t helping.
“Go ahead, talk for god’s sake!!” she said getting a bit mad.
“I’m so sorry, but…” he said with a sad look on his face.
“But what? What are you sorry for?” by now she didn’t knew what to think, a million things were running through her head again, and that wasn’t good.
“Well, it seems like she killed herself this weekend, she left a note for you and her mother… I’m really sorry, I though you knew.” He said looking at her not knowing what else to say or do.
“WHAT?” she said shocked “No, it can’t be...”
What was going on there?? Was the guy trying to mess up with her?? No, it couldn’t be, he looked too serious and a bit sad, it couldn’t be a joke… But if it was true, how come no one told her? They were best friends, how the hell didn’t she notice that something was wrong with Heather? Suicide wasn’t her thing, something really bad must have happened for her to do something like that, and now, she would never know what… How could she be at home crying for Mike when her best friend was going through something way worse by herself?
Rachel felt like she had failed, Heather had always been there for her, and when she was the one needing a friend, she was too busy crying over something that wasn’t half as important, that couldn’t be happening. Heather was her best friend, her sister, everything, she was everything to her, she was the one that would be there for her when everyone else walked away, she was the reason why Rachel still was alive, and now that reason was gone…
Finally she had an answer, the answer to the question “how much worse can things get”, the only answer she didn’t wanted to have, was the one she got; now she was lost in her thoughts until the guy asked:
“Are you ok?” he said grabbing her arm.
She looked him in the eyes and finally a tear found her way out, she wasn’t feeling ok, everything was spinning around, it all was too much for her, that had to be the worst day of her life, she blinked her eyes and suddenly it all went black and she fell to the floor unconscious.
When she woke up she was at the hospital and found her mother sitting next her bed, as soon as she got all of her senses back she got up and just kept asking for Heather while looking everywhere, she was in denial, she couldn’t accept that her best friend was gone. Her mother called a nurse to say she was awake and to give her something to calm her down, after she was calmer she finally realized it was true, Heather was gone, gone forever and fighting the idea wouldn’t bring her back, so she just cried, she cried like she had never done before, and when she was starting to feel all alone and lost again she felt someone pulling her into a big hug, and when she opened her eyes to see who it was, she saw her mom, finally she was there for her, she was there to catch her tears.
An hour went by and she had stopped crying, now she was just looking down at her hands in shock, why was she still there and Heather was not? It wasn’t fair. After a few moments of silence her mother said:
“It’s ok to be sad sweetie… But you have to be strong now.” And she looked at her with a loving look in her eyes, something Rachel had never noticed before.
“Being strong never helped, why would it be any different this time?”
“Because it’s the only thing you can do now, she had her reasons to do what she did, and now that it’s done we just have to accept it because it was her decision.”
“I’m tired; I can’t think right now, please, I just want to go home!!”
After a 15 minutes ride from the hospital, she finally arrived home and went straight to her room. Her mother was right, it had been Heather decision, not hers, now she just had to accept it, and if Heather did it was because she knew it would be the best thing for her, and right now she was just being selfish, she wanted Heather alive because she needed it, she was just thinking about herself, not about Heather. The only thing she could do now was accept it and let her go.
Letting her go was a painful thing to do, but it had to be done, so once again she gave in to all the pain she was feeling inside and slit her wrist while she cried and thought about all the moments they shared, swearing it would be the last time she would do it.

The Silent Scream [5th Chapter]

The weekend passed and she didn’t got out of her house, she didn’t felt like seeing anyone, it felt good to be away from everyone from school, she could at least pretend to be normal for a couple of days.
It was weird that she hadn’t any news from Heather the whole weekend, usually she was always asking Rachel to go out and try to have some fun, Rachel sent some messages but there was no answer, maybe she was having a bad weekend and didn’t felt like talking to anyone, which was strange because no matter what happened, Heather would always talk to her, maybe it was better to give her some space and they would talk Monday at school.
It was Monday morning, there were still no news from Heather and Rachel was getting ready to another day in “hell” (or school). She got dressed, did her hair and makeup, went downstairs to eat something, and like always, her mom wasn’t home anymore, even though she didn’t got along so well with her mom it was sad and frustrating that they didn’t spent any time together, and when they actually were together they would just discuss.
She didn’t admitted it to anyone but it was hard to leave home without anyone to say goodbye to, and coming back home at the end of the afternoon with no one to come back home to, but somehow she managed to deal with it, like she did with so many other fucked up things in her life.
On her way to school she just kept thinking how she wished things were different in her life, she wondered why her father left (something she thought about a lot) because no matter how much she asked her mother about it, there was no answer, she wondered if things would have been different if he had stayed, if she would have a real loving family, if she would get along with her mother, but most of all, she wondered if her life would be different, if it would be better.
Those thoughts left her mind when she got to the spot where she was supposed to meet with Heather and she wasn’t there… What the hell was going on?? She didn’t say a word the whole weekend and now she wasn’t there… Maybe she forgot and went to school without her, yeah, maybe that’s what happened, that HAD to be it.
When she got to the school she was surprised that she wasn’t received the way she always was, where was the crowd that pushed her around?? Where were the girls that laughed at her?? Yes, people still looked at her in a weird way, and other still walked away from her, but things were calm, it was really weird and she couldn’t understand why all that was happening.
Rachel tried to stop questioning things since she wouldn’t find out the answers anyway, and went look for Heather, maybe she knew what was going on, she looked for her everywhere, but there was no sign of her, classes were about to start so she went to her locker to get her things and would keep looking for Heather when that class was over.
While she was on her locker she saw a guy from Heather’s class passing there, so she stopped him and asked for her.
“Hey, you’re from Heather’s class right?” she asked him hoping she didn’t got the wrong person.
“Yes, why do you ask?” The guy said looking at her in a weird way.
“It’s just that I can’t find her anywhere, have you seen her around?” she asked worried.
“What?? I thought you were friends… No one told you yet??” he asked looking really admired with her question.
“We are friends… What’s wrong?? What did no one told me??” she asked, this time getting scared.

The Silent Scream [4th Chapter]

The next day everything was the same, she woke up, went to school and it was the same shit all over again, some people didn’t even looked at her, others just walked away as if she had some kind of disease, some laughed and called her ”freak”, while others pushed her around until she fell to the floor.
She really needed some comfort now so she decided to, once again, look for the only person who could give it to her, Heather. She walked around trying to find her, but instead of finding Heather she ended up finding her boyfriend making out with another girl, one of the girls that used to be her “friend”, she couldn’t believe her eyes, she loved him and he knew it, how could he do that to her? She knew he didn’t understand her and since they started dating he wasn’t always there for her when she needed, but cheat?
It was just too much and she ended up breaking up with him, her life was already too fucked up and the last thing she needed was a boyfriend cheating on her and making it all worse, she didn’t wanted to see him, hear him or even think about his existence at that time, she just wanted Mike to disappear.
Rachel did her best to get through the day without bursting down with tears each time she thought about what happened, and once again Heather was there to help her living through that day, watching her crying and listening to what she had to say, how come each day that passes is worse than the day before? Each time she thought things couldn’t get worse, they did, she wondered how much worse things could get, even though she was afraid to find out.
Her boyfriend passed the whole day trying to talk to her, but she didn’t wanted to hear it, not at that time, whatever the reasons that made him do that didn’t matter, he didn’t loved her as much as he said and that was for sure, did he even ever loved her?
She was relieved when school was finally over, it was Friday and the weekend was coming, for Rachel that meant more time away from that entire people, she really needed a break.
When she got home she found her mother in a good mood, it was cool to find her like that for a change, the last thing Rachel needed was another discussion with her mom, she said “hi” to her and went to her room, turned on the radio and putted her music playing as loud as she could, while she was laying on he bed crying and convincing herself that it was better that way, she deserved someone better, someone who could understand her and be always there.
When she finally managed to stop crying she actually saw it was better being alone than with someone who would never love her for who she is, like she loved him, so she decided to write another entry on her diary to help her moving on, and it said::

I sit here and wait for you on my bed,
But why, when I know you’re fucked in the head.
You say you care, but I know it’s fake,
Why don’t you just tear me up for goodness sake?
You said you loved me like you did,
But you know in your head you’re just a fucking kid.
You have taken advantage of me forever and ever,
I have figured out, we weren’t meant to be together.
The things you said to my face,
Mean nothing at the end of the race.
It’s over, falling into big piles of shit,
I tried, I really did, every fucking bit!
My feelings for you will now change,
Because I will never think of you the same.
It won’t be hard to find someone new,
Because I know I can do a whole lot better than you!

After writing that, she actually felt better about herself, writing always made her feel better. Then she decided to go downstairs and have dinned with her mom, and for the first time she noticed that something wasn’t right with her daughter. When she asked what was happening Rachel was surprised, was her mother really asking her that?? As she was in such a good mood, she thought that maybe she could give it a chance and actually have a conversation with her mother.
She told her about the thing with Mike, and she got really admired with her mother’s reaction, she hugged her and told her not to worry about it, she deserved someone better that treated her like she deserved… After a long conversation with her mother she went upstairs to her room, she was tired and sleepy, the day had been terrible and she couldn’t wait for it to be over, but on the other side, for the first time she had a real mother – daughter moment and it felt so good, she wished it could always be like that, it would make everything so much easier. She finally went to bed and fell asleep hoping the next day would be better.

The Silent Scream [3rd Chapter]

Once again the alarm clock rang, yes, it was another day and she would have to live through it all.
She got up, did what she does every morning, but this time doing her best to hide the scars from her brake down the night before, and once again went to school where she was received the same way as the day before and every other day before that, for some reason people seemed to have fun treating her like that.
While they were having fun pushing her around, someone saw the cuts (great, one more thing for them to make fun of) and said it out loud, throughout the day the news started to spread and by lunch time everyone already knew that the “freaky girl” cutted herself. It was being a terrible day already and it was far from being over, she didn’t seemed to find her boyfriend anywhere so she went to sit with her “friends” for lunch, but as soon as she sat down they all got up and walked away without saying a single word, yes she was weird, but now that everyone knew she cutted herself, who wanted to be friends with a freak?? Who would even pretend to be friends with her??She couldn’t understand what was happening, a million things were going through her mind at that moment and she couldn’t stop wondering why were they acting like that, why weren’t they talking to her anymore?
She went to find Heather; she knew she would talk to her no matter what, when she found her they just stood together talking about what was happening, finally she could understand what lead them to stop talking to her, what she couldn’t understand was why they did it just because of that.
Rachel fought through one more day at school, and by 6:30pm she was going home, she couldn’t wait to get there, she really needed to release some tension, it hurted but it was so addictive, now that she had started, she couldn’t stop, it wasn’t the solution to all her problems but it helped a lot because the physical pain made her forget all she was feeling inside.
That night she didn’t even wanted to dinner, she didn’t felt like seeing anyone, and even less her mother, she just stood in her room listening to her music and wondering if she should give in to her pain and cut or just be strong and push it all inside and move on…She decided to stop thinking so much and give in to her pain, she tried being strong for many years before and it never helped, it never made anything better and besides she had already done it once, it worked and as everyone at school knew already, it wasn’t such a big secret anymore… Everyone knew what was happening, only her mother couldn’t realize it, or maybe she didn’t wanted to see what was right in front of her, maybe she just didn’t wanted to admit that something was terribly wrong with her daughter. Once again she just stood there staring at the blood pouring from the three fresh cuts that she had just done. She couldn’t feel anything from her wrist down, and after a few minutes her whole body was starting to feel numb, it was such a good feeling.

It was 2:35am already and she had to go to bed, and the way she was feeling, probably wasn’t a good idea to stay up for much longer, so she just grabbed her diary and wrote another entry which said:

Why can’t you hear me?
Why can’t you see me?
Why can’t you listen to me?
Why won’t you talk to me?
Why don’t you care about me?
Why don’t you even look my way?
For all the pain and rejection you sent my way,
All I can say is…
…nothing…
I’ve become dead, too numb to speak,
Whenever I think of you I start to cry,
Cry my eyes out,
Why did you do that to me?
I never hurt them,
Never even thought of it,
So why?All I ask is why?

And after that she just went to bed and fell asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow, she needed to rest and to tell the truth she really should do so, because if she thought that day sucked, that’s because she didn’t knew what expected her the next day.

The Silent Scream [2nd Chapter]

The alarm clock rang, she couldn’t believe she was waking up again, waking up to face another one of her fucked up days.
She decided she had to be strong and got out of her bed, got dressed, did her hair and makeup, ate and went to school where she was received by people calling her names, making fun of her and pushing her around, just like everyday.
When she finally was able to run away from them she went to find Heather, it was nice to have someone like her, it reminded her that she wasn’t completely alone.
After a long, boring day of classes, hanging out with her fake friends, being mocked, pushed around and humiliated by her colleagues and once again misunderstood by her own boyfriend, she went home where she went straight to her room, putted her music as loud as she could and before she knew it, it was already getting dark outside, she went downstairs to dinner where once again she discussed to her mother so she went to her room again to run from all that was happening, she cried, she cried so much until there were no more tears to cry, it hurted so much and she couldn’t stand it, school was like hell and when she came home she couldn’t even have a decent normal conversation with her own mother, she couldn’t tell her what was going on with her life, she couldn’t share secrets with her like normal girls do, because everything was a motive for them to discuss, she wondered why her life was so screwed up, what had she done wrong?
She wanted to get rid of all that pain she kept inside so that she could move on, it was killing her slowly but painfully, she grabbed a knife and for the first time on her life she stopped thinking and just let her pain guide her and slit her wrist, it felt so good, it felt so right, seeing her own blood running down her harm made her forget about the pain she felt inside, some minutes went by, the blood had stopped pouring and she was just looking at what she had done to herself, somehow she felt guilty now, but it still helped her and made her feel better about everything that had happened to her that day.
She was starting to feel a little sleepy, there’s no doubt that it had been a tiring day, but now she felt a lot lighter, so before she went to bed she wrote one more entry on her diary which said:

The sunshine on my happiness,
Weaker than others,
Never as bright as it should be,
Never as right as it could be.
The darkness of depression,
Leaves a scolding impression,
Stronger than my sunshine,
Defeating the best thing that’s mine.
The darkness of my depression,
I can feel it reaching,
My very sunshine,
It is breaching.
The great darkness of depression,
The very best at deception,
It tricked me into thinking it was gone,
The mood change has just begun.
The darkness of depression,
Step one- Anger to hide my weakness,
Step two- All happy memories gone,
Step three- Sadness explodes out like a bomb.
The darkness of depression,
I do something to release the tension,
Physical pain now becomes the object,
Mental pain is part forgotten.
The darkness of depression,
It won the battle,
It does every single time,
Soon, happiness will be mine.

And with that written down, she went to sleep, she would have a long, tough day ahead of her the next morning.

The Silent Scream [1st Chapter]

Her name was Rachel and she was 18 years old, I wish I could say she was a normal girl like the others, but she wasn't, she was way beyond that...
Rachel didn't had a dream life, it was the complete opposite of that, she had a fucked up life where everything was just to much for her to handle, so she thought that dying was the only way to achieve real happiness.
Her father had left when she was only 8 years old, she didn't got along that well with her mother and she wasn't accepted at school for being different.
She was glad she had Heather, she was her best friend and almost like a sister, Heather also had a screwed up life like Rachel and that's what brought them together in the first place.
Rachel also had a boyfriend (Mike) which she loved but wasn't sure he could understand her.

Apart from Heather, she kept a diary where she wrote poetry saying everything she was going through, and her imaginary friend, something she had made up when she was 8 years old right after her father left, to compensate for her loss, and that was the imaginary friend she decided to keep for the rest of her life to comfort her on her worse moments when she was feeling all alone and lost, even though she knew he wasn't real.
She also had a few friends at school, which weren't able to understand or support her when she needed it the most, but she kept them anyway, being around people that weren't hurting her all the time made her feel less alone even though they were all FAKE.
Even though everything in her life was going on the wrong way, she always stood up and fought to make it better, and even when she saw that it never worked she kept on trying… She dreamed of a normal life, with a loving family, she wished her dad had never left and that her mother could be more understanding, but it all wasn’t more than dreams, it would never be like she wanted it to be and she knew it, but it felt good thinking about it sometimes even though it always made her a bit sad to think about all she wanted and would never have..