The Silent Scream [11th Chapter]

It was around 4pm when Rachel woke up and she felt great even though she had already discussed with her mother that day, she was so happy that nothing could ruin it for her.
She went downstairs to eat something and found her mother on the kitchen unpacking the groceries:
“Now can you tell me where have you been?” her mother asked not even looking at her.
“I was with Jake…” she said making a sandwich.
“I know you were with him, I asked you where?” she said, this time looking at Rachel.
“His house…” she was trying to keep her answers as simple as possible and leave to her room as fast as she could, but her mother wasn’t making it any easy.
“His house? Are you out of your mind? What were you doing there?” she said shocked.
“Mom, I’m 18 and what I was doing there is none of your business.” She said grabbing a coke from the fridge.
“None of my business? I’m your mother for god’s sake, I was worried, I have to know what you’re doing, even though I’m scared to find out!”
“Then don’t… I hate when you pretend you care!” she said living the kitchen and walking to her room.
The weekend went by and she couldn’t wait for Monday. Finally Monday came and as always she got ready, ate something and waited for Jake, it was around 8:15 when he got there, she grabbed her stuff and opened the door.
“Hey!” she said with a big smile, and she was surprise when he kissed her, but she didn’t complain.
“Hey, ready for school?” he asked.
“I have to!”
They talked all they way to school, and when they arrived there he said:
“Rachel, we have to talk!” she got nervous when he said that.
“Ok.” and they went to sit.
“What’s it about?” she asked him.
“What’s going on between us… Does that mean something to you?” he asked looking in her eyes, but she looked away.
Oh no, not that question, she didn’t wanted to answer to it, she just wished they could go back in time and he had never asked that question, but he did, and now she had to answer.
“Well, what’s going on between us is great, but it can’t be more than that.” she said looking down.
“Why not? I though there was something here.” he said not wanting to believe on what she had just said.
“The drugs Jake, that’s a part of you that I can’t deal with! I’m sorry!” she said and the bell rang.
“I’m going to class.” she said getting up and walking away.
During the whole class she just kept thinking how hard it had been saying no to him, when all she wanted to do was say yes, she wanted to be with him more than anything in this world, but she really couldn’t deal with that problem of his, not in a more than friends way. Suddenly she received a note, it was from Jake, she was afraid to read it, but she did it anyway, and it said:

Loneliness.... Loneliness.... Loneliness,
This is what my thoughts are,
Loneliness.... Loneliness.... Loneliness,
I do not have a star,
To put in all my hopes,
To put in all my dreams,
Where will I be without my star.
Before you came,
Loneliness.... Loneliness.... Loneliness,
These were my thoughts,
But now they’re lost.
I do not have these thoughts anymore.
Live....Love....Laugh,
That is what’s running through my mind.
Live....Love....Laugh,I must be insane,
I don’t need cocaine.
Live....Love....Laugh,
These thoughts are brought to mind.
Live....Love....Laugh,
It must be some kind of sign.
To be here with you,
And the love that you give.
I’ll quit the drugs,
It will bring on the pain.
But it is bearable,
As long as I have you to gain.
Loneliness.... Loneliness.... Loneliness,
No, don’t need these thoughts no more.
Live....Love....Laugh,
Now I have something to live for.

(Please say yes!)

She couldn’t believe what she had just read, he really was serious about it, she looked at him and he was looking at her, he really looked decided to quit it all just to have her with him, and that was the best feeling of them all, so she wrote a note and sent it to him, and when he unfolded the paper to read what it said, he saw a big YES written there.
The rest of the day was perfect, they spend the whole time together when they weren’t in classes, talking, kissing and holding hands.
Finally the day was over and they went home, he passed through her house first to drop her there, kissed her goodbye and then went home.
She went inside, her eye glowing and the biggest smile on her lips, she was happy, everything in school was going great, she had a boyfriend and each time someone at school messed around with her Jake was there to tell them to fuck off. How was it possible that everything was so perfect? It was times like these that made her miss Heather the most, she wished she was alive, she wanted to tell her everything, she wanted to tell her how happy she felt, how in love she was, how great her life had became since she moved.
She putted her My Chemical Romance CD playing and turned on the computer to check her e-mail and her myspace, the time went by really fast and when she looked at the time it was already 9pm and her mother was calling her for dinner, during dinned they didn’t talked to each other, what she said to her on the weekend really must have gotten to her, because she didn’t talked to Rachel since then, but she didn’t care, while she wasn’t talking, they weren’t discussing and eventually it would pass anyway.
She finished dinner and went to her room, dressed her pyjama, got on her bed and wrote on her diary:

Love is unpredictable,

Love is uncontainable,

Love is reliable,

Love is infallible,

Love is right,

Love is wrong,

Love is weak,

Love is strong,

Love is good,

Love is pure,

Love is real,

Love is sure,

Love is jealous,

Love is pain,

Love is lost,

Love is gained,

Love is naked,

Love is raw,

Love is everything,

Love is all,

Love is here,

Love is there,

Love is beautiful,

Love is fair,

Love is great,

Love is shit,

Love is demanding,

Love is it.
Finally now I’m sure,

Love is what I feel for you…

It had been one of the best days of her life, she finally got someone new in her life and he was way better than Mike ever was, he understood her, he protected her, he made her feel happy about who she was and no matter what he was always there for her, it all made her realize that maybe she didn’t loved Mike as much as she thought she did, but she sure loved Jake, he was the one for her… She laid down and fell asleep thinking about all that. How she wished the next day came fast so that she could see her boyfriend again. “Boyfriend”, she had never liked that word as much as she did now.

The Silent Scream [10th Chapter]

Dedicated to GummyBear

A few months went by and things were going great, she still didn’t had many friends, but she didn’t care, as long as Jake was there everything was great… Often she wondered if she was using Jake as a way to compensate for the loss of Heather, but after a while she got to the conclusion that she wasn’t, she was just trying to move on with her life, and that included making new friends.
Every morning Jake passed through her house so that they could go together to school, it was awesome to have someone to talk to on her way there and she never thought she would ever get along that well with a guy.
It was Friday and she got up early in the morning to get dressed, do her hair and makeup and eat something so that she was ready to go when Jake got there. At 8:15am, as always, there was a knock on the door, it was Jake:
“Good morning, ready to go?” he said with a big smile on his face.
“As ready as possible, I guess…” she said wondering why he was smiling so much… He looked nervous.
On their way to school they were talking and Rachel couldn’t stop wondering why he was nervous, was there anything wrong? After a few silent moments Jake finally said:
“You should get out more!”
“What?” she asked not knowing why he said that.
“You’re always home, you should go out, have fun..”
“Well, I don’t really have many friends besides you here, that’s why I stay home, going out by myself isn’t that fun!” she said looking up at the sky, it was a beautiful sunny day.
“Then lets go out tonight!” he said really fast.
“What?”
“Yeah, you and me, let’s go out tonight, I promise you’ll have a lot of fun… So, are you in?” he asked her with that irresistible inviting smile.
“Ok, sure… It will be fun!” she said smiling back at him and this time he didn’t look so nervous anymore.
After a while they arrived to school and went to classes, it was boring as hell, but she kept a big smile on her face the whole day, after all, even if she didn’t said anything, she was more than happy to go out with Jake and finally have some fun, she only hoped her mother would allow her to go out, that was the hard part.
After a long day of classes they went home, always talking and laughing on their way there, when they got to Rachel’s house they said goodbye:
“So, see you later!” she told him, still smiling.
“Yeah, see you later!” he just answered, and when she was about to get in he said “Pick you up at 11?”
“Yeah, perfect… And remember, you promised I would have a lot of fun so you better plan something great!” she said with a joking tone on her voice.
“Of course, after all, I promised didn’t I?” and with that said she went in and he went home.
When she got inside she found her mother on the living room, she was watching TV and when she realized Rachel was already inside she said:
“So what were you talking with that guy out there?” she asked in a serious tone.
“We were just talking… By the way, I’m going out tonight”
“With that guy?”
“Ahh, yeah, why?” she asked kind of confused with her mother’s question.
“Because it’s a guy, behave and don’t come home late!”
“Mom, I’m not a kid anymore, I’m 18, I should be allowed to go out with guys, and don’t worry, I won’t arrive late!”
“Ok, ok… I was just saying!”
“Funny how you always have something to say, too bad it’s not the best thing though...” Rachel said and went to her room, she still didn’t know what to dress, what accessories to wear and she still had to take a bath.
She opened her closet and stared at her clothes for almost half an hour, it had been a while since she went out and she didn’t knew what she should dress. After a while looking at the closet like crazy she decided to take her red skinny jeans and a black shirt with her black converse.
After picking up what she would dress she turned on her computer to check out her Myspace and chat a bit with some friends on AIM, it was 8:30pm when she turned off the computer and went to take a bath, around 10pm she was heading downstairs to have dinner and after that she just had to put her makeup on and she was ready.
It was 11:05pm and she was nervous, when she suddenly heard a knock at the door, she ran to open it and it was Jake, she went to get her purse and went out. He looked hot as always, black skinny jeans, black shirt and black converse, he looked cute in black.
They went to a bar where a local hardcore garage band was giving a concert, it was awesome, she had already heard a few songs of that band when she was still living in London and she liked them. They drunk, they jumped, they sung and they laughed at how bad they were at it, she really was having fun.
It was 2:30am when they left that bar.
“So, where are we going now?” she asked still hype from the show.
“I don’t know, my house maybe, unless you want to go home now.”
“Your house it is, I don’t feel like seeing my mom just yet!” she said and they both laughed.
A few minutes later they arrived at Jake’s house and no one was there:
“You have the whole house to yourself?” she asked looking around.
“Yeah, something like that… My dad works night shifts.” He said walking towards his room.
Once in his room he putted music and Rachel sat on his bed looking around, his room was huge and really cool, he sat beside her and they talked for a while before Jake went silent, looked deep into her eyes and suddenly kissed her. That one kiss sent shivers through her whole body and made her legs go weak, by then she was happy she was sitting down or else she would have melted to the floor.
After a few seconds he broke the kiss and said:
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have done this!” he looked embarrassed.
“It’s ok, I’m not complaining am I?” she said and he kissed her again.
One kiss led to another and so on, which led to a full make out session and when she noticed, they were already on the bed without clothes. She wasn’t nervous, on the contrary, she was exploding with happiness. He really knew how to make a girl feel special, and that’s why she loved being around him.

It was 10am when Rachel arrived home, she opened the door carefully so that her mother wouldn’t hear her, but it was too late, her mother was already awake, and she was right on the living room waiting for her:
“I told you not to come home late, where the hell have you been?” her mother said in a really mad tone.
“I was having fun for once and I didn’t noticed the time go by, it’s not a big deal, its weekend for god’s sake!” she said while she walked towards the stairs to go to her room, she was really tired and all she wanted to do was sleep.
“Don’t turn your back at me while I’m talking, I haven’t finished talking to you yet!” she said yelling.
“For me you already did so there’s no use to keep on going, so if you really want to say something else, just write it downs and say it later, I just want to sleep now!” she said and went upstairs to her room.
She threw herself onto her bed with the biggest smile ever on her lips, she couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened, that had been the best night of her life, and she couldn’t go to bed without writing about it on her diary:

Push me up against the wall,
Push me harder, faster, fiercer,
Try and make sure I don't fall.
Pin me with your body so I don't get away,
Pin me harder, faster, fiercer,
No matter what it takes, make me stay.
Kiss me like you mean it,
Kiss me harder, faster, fiercer,
So I can believe for a moment you mean it.
Pick me up and drag me into your sheets,
Pick me up and take me harder, faster, fiercer,
Make this night one of your greatest feats.
Caress my every curve like I'm that breakable,
Caress me harder, faster, fiercer,
Not so breakable now, but oh, so takable.
Now more than ever I want you,
Now I want you harder, faster, fiercer,
Show me you want me too.

After writing it, she putted her diary back on her nightstand drawer and went to bed, she drifted away to sleep thinking of her amazing night and didn’t woke up until 4pm.

The Silent Scream [9th Chapter]

It wasn’t too long until the alarm clock rang, it was 7:15am and she had to get up, arriving late at the first day on a new school wasn’t such a good idea, so she got up, got dressed, did her hair and makeup and went downstairs to eat something where she found her mother:
“Good morning mom!” she said trying to sound excited with the “1st day at school” idea.
“Good morning… Rachel, hurry up, there’s no way you’re going to arrive late to classes today!” she said with a really serious face.
For sure her mother was in a bad mood, gosh, she could only hope things at school were better, because with her mom it seemed like it could only get worse.
“Ok, ok, chill out, you’re always mad and screaming… No wonder you look old already!!” and with this said she grabbed a toast, went out and made her way to school…
Her way to school was nerve wrecking, not knowing how things would be, what she should do or even where her first class would be. When she got to the school, the first thing she did was look for the room where her class would take place, and even arriving 15 minutes ahead of time, when she finally found out where the classroom was, she was already late so she knocked:
“Come in please!” a woman with a annoying voice said, which she assumed it was the teacher, so she stepped in.
“Sorry, I’m late!” she said while she looked around scanning everything and everyone, it didn’t looked so bad, I mean, some people still looked at her in a kind of weird way, but it wasn’t half as bad as London. She was still scanning the class when she saw a guy on the last row, he was dressed in black, his hair covering one of his eyes and lightly spiked on the back, and snakebites, he caught her attention because he wasn’t looking at her like everyone else was, he was looking down towards his notebook, almost as if he was writing something, it was like he wasn’t even noticing her. She was taken away from her thoughts when she heard the annoying woman again.
“So you’re Rachel the new student right?? Well, that you’re late I already noticed, now pick a place, sit down and lets hope you won’t arrive late again, maybe it would be a good idea if you bought yourself a better alarm clock!” she said with a ironical tone on her voice which made Rachel want to rip her head off.
“Or maybe you should consider offering me one!” she said with a ironical smile as she walked to her sit, and once again she looked at the guy, and this time he was looking at her with a little smile, now he was noticing her.
She spent the whole class thinking about a hundred and one different ways to talk to him, but none of them sounded right, she really wanted to talk to him and while she was thinking she would look at him occasionally and most of the times she was caught, definitely, whatever she was trying to do was, she wasn’t good at it.
Eventually the class was over and she still didn’t knew how to speak with him, and when she looked over at him again, she saw he was standing by his desk, if she didn’t said anything, he would leave and then what?? But still, she didn’t want to look stupid and tell him something that made no sense, she was putting all her stuff in her bag, and once again she was so absorbed in her thought that only noticed someone was by her side when the person actually touched her shoulder.
“Hey, the class is over already… Are you there??” the person said, making her stand up automatically with a jump.
“Are you ok?” the person said trying not to laugh…
“No, I mean… I was just thinking” she said knowing something was wrong with that answer…
“So does that mean that it’s bad when you think?”
“Yes...I mean, no…I mean…I’m not making any sense am I??” she said embarrassed and with a silly smile.
“No, you’re not!! I’m Jake by the way.” he said with a smile.
“I’m Rachel” she said knowing she should add something else, but just didn’t know what.
“Do you know anyone around here?”
“Not really, I just moved here a week ago!”
“Well, then I guess you can hang out with me if you want to!!” he said with an irresistible inviting look on his face.
“Sure!!” she said with the biggest smile ever (even though she was trying to hide it a bit) while they walked out of the classroom together.
“So, you were looking at me a lot… Why?” he asked curious.
“Well, I…I was just….”
“You have no idea of what you’re going to say do you?” he asked interrupting her.
“You’re right… I have no clue!! I got busted didn’t I?” she said blushing…
“Yeah, but its ok… You seem silly!” he said smiling at her, by now she was about to melt.
“What made you talk to me then?”
“Easy, you’re the first person who had the guts to answer back like that to out English teacher… I had to meet you!!”
“Oh really?? Well, I originally wanted to rip her head off, but I was too sleepy…” she said with an important look on her face. By now they were already joking about things and talking about each other. They spent the whole day hanging around in between classes, talking and laughing, it seemed like they were getting along.
The first day of school was over, and she went home all happy with herself, by that moment not even her mother’s bad mood could ruin the amazing day she had. She actually went through a whole day of school without falling to the floor, crying or wanting to disappear; she was friends with Jake, found out he was one year older than her, he lived two blocks down her house and they talked about what made her move to LA, Jake really could understand her, he kept saying how people were dumb for treating her like that and how Mike was a stupid jerk for doing what he did.
When she got home she was actually happy that her mother wasn’t there, so she went straight to her room, for the first time in her life she managed to keep a REAL smile on her face throughout a whole day of school, nothing much had happened but she was feelling really tired and by 8:30 she could barely keep her eyes open, maybe that was the result of the whole week she spent moving things around.
She went downstairs, and there was no dinner, instead she found her mother watching some movie, so she just made herself a sandwich, grabbed a coke from the fridge and went back to her room and while she was eating she decided to write one more entry on her diary, this one was special, it was a positive one, and it said:

For once,

I’m going to be me,

No matter what anyone says,

No matter what people call me,

Even if they call me freak,

I’ll be the only person I know,

Myself!!No one can change me,

No matter how much they want to argue

And say negative things about me,

My pain and embarrassment is their entertainment.

For once,I’ll be me,My life can’t go on

Unless I’m happy,

And for once,

Being me

Never felt so great,

For once,

I’ll be me,

After all this time

Just trying to find myself,

I finally realize who I am,

And for once,I’m me!!

After writing on her diary she finished her sandwich and her coke and fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow, finally she was going to have a good night and great reasons to want to wake up the next morning and go back to school, maybe this was it, maybe this was where she was supposed to be all along.

The Silent Scream [8th Chapter]

É pequenino mas a imaginação não deu pa mais...o próximo será maior...I promise!"

The idea of keep living in London was like a nightmare, she really hoped they would move to some other place, any place at all, anything would be better than staying there where she had so many bad memories she wanted to leave, and so many good memories with Heather that she had to let go, she had already missed school for a whole week, she still couldn’t stand the idea of going back there, so there’s no way she would ever catch up with whatever it was they were doing there, mostly because she didn’t wanted.
Eventually they found somewhere else to go, they moved to Los Angeles, during the whole trip she just kept thinking if moving really was the best solution to her, was it going to help or only make it worse? Maybe that wasn’t the best moment to question everything, finally her mother understood how she was feeling and she had been kind enough to agree to leave everything behind and move… They were almost there, and well, honestly, LA was far enough from all that shit she always hated.
Finally the plane landed and she was really excited and nervous at the same time, new country, new city, new house, new everything, no one knew her there yet and maybe she would be accepted, or at least not treated as bad as she was back in her old school.
After a 30 minutes ride from the airport they got to the house, it looked cool, it wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t as small as the one they had in London, and it was near her new school, fortunately her mother’s boss was able to find her a job in LA, that way her mom would keep working at the same area, but in a different country.
They went in and all the furniture was already there, during the following week they moved everything around until they found the perfect place to everything, as always it was Rachel’s mother opinion the only one that mattered, so she was the one deciding everything, which was ok by Rachel, she wouldn’t even care if the rest of the house was empty as long as her room was according to what she wanted, so she did some changes too, she took advantage of that week to paint black some of those lame white walls, she moved her furniture around trying to get the placement right, she putted all her posters up on the walls and made some drawings on the walls that stood white.
It felt good being there, even though her mom had gone back to her mad, indifferent, self-centred being, it still was good, it seemed like she wasn’t too happy for moving, even though it was the better thing to do for her daughter, but anyway, Rachel knew that the “loving/understanding mother” facade was just temporary, but still, she had hope.
They finally had finished moving in, her mom was on a bad mood almost every day and Rachel still cried herself to sleep almost every night, it made her feel better to be away, but some of her memories still haunted her, what if things on the new school weren’t any different? She had already made her mind, she would just be herself and hope for the best because, the more you try to be someone else, the more people see you’re not, so she just went to sleep thinking about the next day would be, her first day of school.

The Silent Scream [7th Chapter]

(Preciso de comments ou então deixo de postar!)

Some minutes went by and she was going crazy, she was talking to herself, well, maybe not to herself but to her imaginary friend which she called Ben. It had been a while since she brought him up, she had always had Heather by her side, so she didn’t needed some childish character to make her feel better, but now that she was good, that childish character sounded really good.
She looked to her side over to the nightstand where she kept her diary, that was as the first BIG moment on her life since she saw her father leave without saying a word, she thought that maybe if she wrote something about it she would feel better so she wrote one more entry on her diary, saying:

You meant so much to me,
You were special and that’s no lie,
You brightened up the darkest day,
And the cloudiest sky.
Your smile alone warmed my heart,
Your laugh was like music to hear,
I would give absolutely anything,
To have you well and standing near.
Not a second passes,
When you’re not in my mind,
Your love I’ll never forget,
The hurt will ease in time.
Many tears I’ve cried,
They all poured out like rain,
I know you’re happy now,
And no longer in any pain.

She didn’t got out of her room for the rest of the day, and she barely went out of it during a whole week, she wasn’t in the mood to go back to that school, put up with all the shit and get over it by herself, because all she had left were the memories from Heather.
During that whole week she did got out of her house once, just once, and it was to go to Heather’s funeral, it was sad to see her there even though she looked like she was smiling, Rachel just had to think that she was in a better place now, a place where she hoped to go someday.
Her mom was worried, she didn’t wanted to eat, talk or even see anyone, even though seeing the note that Heather left made her realize that it was really something she felt like she had to do, it still was sad and she just stood in her room listening to her music, trying to get away from the whole world.
That week went by and she finally gained strength to go to her mom and ask her something, it was a difficult thing, but she had to do it, she needed to move on, so she went to her and said:
“Mom, I really need to ask you something, it’s really important to me.” She said, afraid of her mom’s reaction.
“What is it sweetie?” her mom said with a nice looking face.
Wow, after what happened her mom really got nicer, too bad it was just temporarily, it was just a matter of time until it got back to what it was before.
“Well, I wondered if we could move, like, to another city or something… I can’t stand being here, everything reminds me of something bad and I really want to move on and start again.” She said looking down.
“You know that’s difficult, there’s your school, and my work, Rachel we have our whole lives here.”
“I know it’s difficult, but we could try, I really need to get out of here, go somewhere new, move on and start over.”
“Ok then, if it is so important to you then I’ll see what I can find; maybe a new start isn’t such a bad idea for both of us after all.”
This conversation had gone well, maybe they would start getting along, she could only hope that it would help her getting over all that was happening, that things in a new school would be better, she hoped she could be accepted and finally be normal, that’s all she ever wanted.

The Silent Scream [6th Chapter]

Ok, this was weird…First Heather didn’t talked to her the whole weekend, then she wasn’t at the spot before school and no everyone was acting weird… There was something no one had told her yet, she was starting to freak out and the way that guy was looking at her wasn’t helping.
“Go ahead, talk for god’s sake!!” she said getting a bit mad.
“I’m so sorry, but…” he said with a sad look on his face.
“But what? What are you sorry for?” by now she didn’t knew what to think, a million things were running through her head again, and that wasn’t good.
“Well, it seems like she killed herself this weekend, she left a note for you and her mother… I’m really sorry, I though you knew.” He said looking at her not knowing what else to say or do.
“WHAT?” she said shocked “No, it can’t be...”
What was going on there?? Was the guy trying to mess up with her?? No, it couldn’t be, he looked too serious and a bit sad, it couldn’t be a joke… But if it was true, how come no one told her? They were best friends, how the hell didn’t she notice that something was wrong with Heather? Suicide wasn’t her thing, something really bad must have happened for her to do something like that, and now, she would never know what… How could she be at home crying for Mike when her best friend was going through something way worse by herself?
Rachel felt like she had failed, Heather had always been there for her, and when she was the one needing a friend, she was too busy crying over something that wasn’t half as important, that couldn’t be happening. Heather was her best friend, her sister, everything, she was everything to her, she was the one that would be there for her when everyone else walked away, she was the reason why Rachel still was alive, and now that reason was gone…
Finally she had an answer, the answer to the question “how much worse can things get”, the only answer she didn’t wanted to have, was the one she got; now she was lost in her thoughts until the guy asked:
“Are you ok?” he said grabbing her arm.
She looked him in the eyes and finally a tear found her way out, she wasn’t feeling ok, everything was spinning around, it all was too much for her, that had to be the worst day of her life, she blinked her eyes and suddenly it all went black and she fell to the floor unconscious.
When she woke up she was at the hospital and found her mother sitting next her bed, as soon as she got all of her senses back she got up and just kept asking for Heather while looking everywhere, she was in denial, she couldn’t accept that her best friend was gone. Her mother called a nurse to say she was awake and to give her something to calm her down, after she was calmer she finally realized it was true, Heather was gone, gone forever and fighting the idea wouldn’t bring her back, so she just cried, she cried like she had never done before, and when she was starting to feel all alone and lost again she felt someone pulling her into a big hug, and when she opened her eyes to see who it was, she saw her mom, finally she was there for her, she was there to catch her tears.
An hour went by and she had stopped crying, now she was just looking down at her hands in shock, why was she still there and Heather was not? It wasn’t fair. After a few moments of silence her mother said:
“It’s ok to be sad sweetie… But you have to be strong now.” And she looked at her with a loving look in her eyes, something Rachel had never noticed before.
“Being strong never helped, why would it be any different this time?”
“Because it’s the only thing you can do now, she had her reasons to do what she did, and now that it’s done we just have to accept it because it was her decision.”
“I’m tired; I can’t think right now, please, I just want to go home!!”
After a 15 minutes ride from the hospital, she finally arrived home and went straight to her room. Her mother was right, it had been Heather decision, not hers, now she just had to accept it, and if Heather did it was because she knew it would be the best thing for her, and right now she was just being selfish, she wanted Heather alive because she needed it, she was just thinking about herself, not about Heather. The only thing she could do now was accept it and let her go.
Letting her go was a painful thing to do, but it had to be done, so once again she gave in to all the pain she was feeling inside and slit her wrist while she cried and thought about all the moments they shared, swearing it would be the last time she would do it.

The Silent Scream [5th Chapter]

The weekend passed and she didn’t got out of her house, she didn’t felt like seeing anyone, it felt good to be away from everyone from school, she could at least pretend to be normal for a couple of days.
It was weird that she hadn’t any news from Heather the whole weekend, usually she was always asking Rachel to go out and try to have some fun, Rachel sent some messages but there was no answer, maybe she was having a bad weekend and didn’t felt like talking to anyone, which was strange because no matter what happened, Heather would always talk to her, maybe it was better to give her some space and they would talk Monday at school.
It was Monday morning, there were still no news from Heather and Rachel was getting ready to another day in “hell” (or school). She got dressed, did her hair and makeup, went downstairs to eat something, and like always, her mom wasn’t home anymore, even though she didn’t got along so well with her mom it was sad and frustrating that they didn’t spent any time together, and when they actually were together they would just discuss.
She didn’t admitted it to anyone but it was hard to leave home without anyone to say goodbye to, and coming back home at the end of the afternoon with no one to come back home to, but somehow she managed to deal with it, like she did with so many other fucked up things in her life.
On her way to school she just kept thinking how she wished things were different in her life, she wondered why her father left (something she thought about a lot) because no matter how much she asked her mother about it, there was no answer, she wondered if things would have been different if he had stayed, if she would have a real loving family, if she would get along with her mother, but most of all, she wondered if her life would be different, if it would be better.
Those thoughts left her mind when she got to the spot where she was supposed to meet with Heather and she wasn’t there… What the hell was going on?? She didn’t say a word the whole weekend and now she wasn’t there… Maybe she forgot and went to school without her, yeah, maybe that’s what happened, that HAD to be it.
When she got to the school she was surprised that she wasn’t received the way she always was, where was the crowd that pushed her around?? Where were the girls that laughed at her?? Yes, people still looked at her in a weird way, and other still walked away from her, but things were calm, it was really weird and she couldn’t understand why all that was happening.
Rachel tried to stop questioning things since she wouldn’t find out the answers anyway, and went look for Heather, maybe she knew what was going on, she looked for her everywhere, but there was no sign of her, classes were about to start so she went to her locker to get her things and would keep looking for Heather when that class was over.
While she was on her locker she saw a guy from Heather’s class passing there, so she stopped him and asked for her.
“Hey, you’re from Heather’s class right?” she asked him hoping she didn’t got the wrong person.
“Yes, why do you ask?” The guy said looking at her in a weird way.
“It’s just that I can’t find her anywhere, have you seen her around?” she asked worried.
“What?? I thought you were friends… No one told you yet??” he asked looking really admired with her question.
“We are friends… What’s wrong?? What did no one told me??” she asked, this time getting scared.

The Silent Scream [4th Chapter]

The next day everything was the same, she woke up, went to school and it was the same shit all over again, some people didn’t even looked at her, others just walked away as if she had some kind of disease, some laughed and called her ”freak”, while others pushed her around until she fell to the floor.
She really needed some comfort now so she decided to, once again, look for the only person who could give it to her, Heather. She walked around trying to find her, but instead of finding Heather she ended up finding her boyfriend making out with another girl, one of the girls that used to be her “friend”, she couldn’t believe her eyes, she loved him and he knew it, how could he do that to her? She knew he didn’t understand her and since they started dating he wasn’t always there for her when she needed, but cheat?
It was just too much and she ended up breaking up with him, her life was already too fucked up and the last thing she needed was a boyfriend cheating on her and making it all worse, she didn’t wanted to see him, hear him or even think about his existence at that time, she just wanted Mike to disappear.
Rachel did her best to get through the day without bursting down with tears each time she thought about what happened, and once again Heather was there to help her living through that day, watching her crying and listening to what she had to say, how come each day that passes is worse than the day before? Each time she thought things couldn’t get worse, they did, she wondered how much worse things could get, even though she was afraid to find out.
Her boyfriend passed the whole day trying to talk to her, but she didn’t wanted to hear it, not at that time, whatever the reasons that made him do that didn’t matter, he didn’t loved her as much as he said and that was for sure, did he even ever loved her?
She was relieved when school was finally over, it was Friday and the weekend was coming, for Rachel that meant more time away from that entire people, she really needed a break.
When she got home she found her mother in a good mood, it was cool to find her like that for a change, the last thing Rachel needed was another discussion with her mom, she said “hi” to her and went to her room, turned on the radio and putted her music playing as loud as she could, while she was laying on he bed crying and convincing herself that it was better that way, she deserved someone better, someone who could understand her and be always there.
When she finally managed to stop crying she actually saw it was better being alone than with someone who would never love her for who she is, like she loved him, so she decided to write another entry on her diary to help her moving on, and it said::

I sit here and wait for you on my bed,
But why, when I know you’re fucked in the head.
You say you care, but I know it’s fake,
Why don’t you just tear me up for goodness sake?
You said you loved me like you did,
But you know in your head you’re just a fucking kid.
You have taken advantage of me forever and ever,
I have figured out, we weren’t meant to be together.
The things you said to my face,
Mean nothing at the end of the race.
It’s over, falling into big piles of shit,
I tried, I really did, every fucking bit!
My feelings for you will now change,
Because I will never think of you the same.
It won’t be hard to find someone new,
Because I know I can do a whole lot better than you!

After writing that, she actually felt better about herself, writing always made her feel better. Then she decided to go downstairs and have dinned with her mom, and for the first time she noticed that something wasn’t right with her daughter. When she asked what was happening Rachel was surprised, was her mother really asking her that?? As she was in such a good mood, she thought that maybe she could give it a chance and actually have a conversation with her mother.
She told her about the thing with Mike, and she got really admired with her mother’s reaction, she hugged her and told her not to worry about it, she deserved someone better that treated her like she deserved… After a long conversation with her mother she went upstairs to her room, she was tired and sleepy, the day had been terrible and she couldn’t wait for it to be over, but on the other side, for the first time she had a real mother – daughter moment and it felt so good, she wished it could always be like that, it would make everything so much easier. She finally went to bed and fell asleep hoping the next day would be better.

The Silent Scream [3rd Chapter]

Once again the alarm clock rang, yes, it was another day and she would have to live through it all.
She got up, did what she does every morning, but this time doing her best to hide the scars from her brake down the night before, and once again went to school where she was received the same way as the day before and every other day before that, for some reason people seemed to have fun treating her like that.
While they were having fun pushing her around, someone saw the cuts (great, one more thing for them to make fun of) and said it out loud, throughout the day the news started to spread and by lunch time everyone already knew that the “freaky girl” cutted herself. It was being a terrible day already and it was far from being over, she didn’t seemed to find her boyfriend anywhere so she went to sit with her “friends” for lunch, but as soon as she sat down they all got up and walked away without saying a single word, yes she was weird, but now that everyone knew she cutted herself, who wanted to be friends with a freak?? Who would even pretend to be friends with her??She couldn’t understand what was happening, a million things were going through her mind at that moment and she couldn’t stop wondering why were they acting like that, why weren’t they talking to her anymore?
She went to find Heather; she knew she would talk to her no matter what, when she found her they just stood together talking about what was happening, finally she could understand what lead them to stop talking to her, what she couldn’t understand was why they did it just because of that.
Rachel fought through one more day at school, and by 6:30pm she was going home, she couldn’t wait to get there, she really needed to release some tension, it hurted but it was so addictive, now that she had started, she couldn’t stop, it wasn’t the solution to all her problems but it helped a lot because the physical pain made her forget all she was feeling inside.
That night she didn’t even wanted to dinner, she didn’t felt like seeing anyone, and even less her mother, she just stood in her room listening to her music and wondering if she should give in to her pain and cut or just be strong and push it all inside and move on…She decided to stop thinking so much and give in to her pain, she tried being strong for many years before and it never helped, it never made anything better and besides she had already done it once, it worked and as everyone at school knew already, it wasn’t such a big secret anymore… Everyone knew what was happening, only her mother couldn’t realize it, or maybe she didn’t wanted to see what was right in front of her, maybe she just didn’t wanted to admit that something was terribly wrong with her daughter. Once again she just stood there staring at the blood pouring from the three fresh cuts that she had just done. She couldn’t feel anything from her wrist down, and after a few minutes her whole body was starting to feel numb, it was such a good feeling.

It was 2:35am already and she had to go to bed, and the way she was feeling, probably wasn’t a good idea to stay up for much longer, so she just grabbed her diary and wrote another entry which said:

Why can’t you hear me?
Why can’t you see me?
Why can’t you listen to me?
Why won’t you talk to me?
Why don’t you care about me?
Why don’t you even look my way?
For all the pain and rejection you sent my way,
All I can say is…
…nothing…
I’ve become dead, too numb to speak,
Whenever I think of you I start to cry,
Cry my eyes out,
Why did you do that to me?
I never hurt them,
Never even thought of it,
So why?All I ask is why?

And after that she just went to bed and fell asleep almost as soon as her head touched the pillow, she needed to rest and to tell the truth she really should do so, because if she thought that day sucked, that’s because she didn’t knew what expected her the next day.

The Silent Scream [2nd Chapter]

The alarm clock rang, she couldn’t believe she was waking up again, waking up to face another one of her fucked up days.
She decided she had to be strong and got out of her bed, got dressed, did her hair and makeup, ate and went to school where she was received by people calling her names, making fun of her and pushing her around, just like everyday.
When she finally was able to run away from them she went to find Heather, it was nice to have someone like her, it reminded her that she wasn’t completely alone.
After a long, boring day of classes, hanging out with her fake friends, being mocked, pushed around and humiliated by her colleagues and once again misunderstood by her own boyfriend, she went home where she went straight to her room, putted her music as loud as she could and before she knew it, it was already getting dark outside, she went downstairs to dinner where once again she discussed to her mother so she went to her room again to run from all that was happening, she cried, she cried so much until there were no more tears to cry, it hurted so much and she couldn’t stand it, school was like hell and when she came home she couldn’t even have a decent normal conversation with her own mother, she couldn’t tell her what was going on with her life, she couldn’t share secrets with her like normal girls do, because everything was a motive for them to discuss, she wondered why her life was so screwed up, what had she done wrong?
She wanted to get rid of all that pain she kept inside so that she could move on, it was killing her slowly but painfully, she grabbed a knife and for the first time on her life she stopped thinking and just let her pain guide her and slit her wrist, it felt so good, it felt so right, seeing her own blood running down her harm made her forget about the pain she felt inside, some minutes went by, the blood had stopped pouring and she was just looking at what she had done to herself, somehow she felt guilty now, but it still helped her and made her feel better about everything that had happened to her that day.
She was starting to feel a little sleepy, there’s no doubt that it had been a tiring day, but now she felt a lot lighter, so before she went to bed she wrote one more entry on her diary which said:

The sunshine on my happiness,
Weaker than others,
Never as bright as it should be,
Never as right as it could be.
The darkness of depression,
Leaves a scolding impression,
Stronger than my sunshine,
Defeating the best thing that’s mine.
The darkness of my depression,
I can feel it reaching,
My very sunshine,
It is breaching.
The great darkness of depression,
The very best at deception,
It tricked me into thinking it was gone,
The mood change has just begun.
The darkness of depression,
Step one- Anger to hide my weakness,
Step two- All happy memories gone,
Step three- Sadness explodes out like a bomb.
The darkness of depression,
I do something to release the tension,
Physical pain now becomes the object,
Mental pain is part forgotten.
The darkness of depression,
It won the battle,
It does every single time,
Soon, happiness will be mine.

And with that written down, she went to sleep, she would have a long, tough day ahead of her the next morning.

The Silent Scream [1st Chapter]

Her name was Rachel and she was 18 years old, I wish I could say she was a normal girl like the others, but she wasn't, she was way beyond that...
Rachel didn't had a dream life, it was the complete opposite of that, she had a fucked up life where everything was just to much for her to handle, so she thought that dying was the only way to achieve real happiness.
Her father had left when she was only 8 years old, she didn't got along that well with her mother and she wasn't accepted at school for being different.
She was glad she had Heather, she was her best friend and almost like a sister, Heather also had a screwed up life like Rachel and that's what brought them together in the first place.
Rachel also had a boyfriend (Mike) which she loved but wasn't sure he could understand her.

Apart from Heather, she kept a diary where she wrote poetry saying everything she was going through, and her imaginary friend, something she had made up when she was 8 years old right after her father left, to compensate for her loss, and that was the imaginary friend she decided to keep for the rest of her life to comfort her on her worse moments when she was feeling all alone and lost, even though she knew he wasn't real.
She also had a few friends at school, which weren't able to understand or support her when she needed it the most, but she kept them anyway, being around people that weren't hurting her all the time made her feel less alone even though they were all FAKE.
Even though everything in her life was going on the wrong way, she always stood up and fought to make it better, and even when she saw that it never worked she kept on trying… She dreamed of a normal life, with a loving family, she wished her dad had never left and that her mother could be more understanding, but it all wasn’t more than dreams, it would never be like she wanted it to be and she knew it, but it felt good thinking about it sometimes even though it always made her a bit sad to think about all she wanted and would never have..