The Silent Scream [9th Chapter]

It wasn’t too long until the alarm clock rang, it was 7:15am and she had to get up, arriving late at the first day on a new school wasn’t such a good idea, so she got up, got dressed, did her hair and makeup and went downstairs to eat something where she found her mother:
“Good morning mom!” she said trying to sound excited with the “1st day at school” idea.
“Good morning… Rachel, hurry up, there’s no way you’re going to arrive late to classes today!” she said with a really serious face.
For sure her mother was in a bad mood, gosh, she could only hope things at school were better, because with her mom it seemed like it could only get worse.
“Ok, ok, chill out, you’re always mad and screaming… No wonder you look old already!!” and with this said she grabbed a toast, went out and made her way to school…
Her way to school was nerve wrecking, not knowing how things would be, what she should do or even where her first class would be. When she got to the school, the first thing she did was look for the room where her class would take place, and even arriving 15 minutes ahead of time, when she finally found out where the classroom was, she was already late so she knocked:
“Come in please!” a woman with a annoying voice said, which she assumed it was the teacher, so she stepped in.
“Sorry, I’m late!” she said while she looked around scanning everything and everyone, it didn’t looked so bad, I mean, some people still looked at her in a kind of weird way, but it wasn’t half as bad as London. She was still scanning the class when she saw a guy on the last row, he was dressed in black, his hair covering one of his eyes and lightly spiked on the back, and snakebites, he caught her attention because he wasn’t looking at her like everyone else was, he was looking down towards his notebook, almost as if he was writing something, it was like he wasn’t even noticing her. She was taken away from her thoughts when she heard the annoying woman again.
“So you’re Rachel the new student right?? Well, that you’re late I already noticed, now pick a place, sit down and lets hope you won’t arrive late again, maybe it would be a good idea if you bought yourself a better alarm clock!” she said with a ironical tone on her voice which made Rachel want to rip her head off.
“Or maybe you should consider offering me one!” she said with a ironical smile as she walked to her sit, and once again she looked at the guy, and this time he was looking at her with a little smile, now he was noticing her.
She spent the whole class thinking about a hundred and one different ways to talk to him, but none of them sounded right, she really wanted to talk to him and while she was thinking she would look at him occasionally and most of the times she was caught, definitely, whatever she was trying to do was, she wasn’t good at it.
Eventually the class was over and she still didn’t knew how to speak with him, and when she looked over at him again, she saw he was standing by his desk, if she didn’t said anything, he would leave and then what?? But still, she didn’t want to look stupid and tell him something that made no sense, she was putting all her stuff in her bag, and once again she was so absorbed in her thought that only noticed someone was by her side when the person actually touched her shoulder.
“Hey, the class is over already… Are you there??” the person said, making her stand up automatically with a jump.
“Are you ok?” the person said trying not to laugh…
“No, I mean… I was just thinking” she said knowing something was wrong with that answer…
“So does that mean that it’s bad when you think?”
“Yes...I mean, no…I mean…I’m not making any sense am I??” she said embarrassed and with a silly smile.
“No, you’re not!! I’m Jake by the way.” he said with a smile.
“I’m Rachel” she said knowing she should add something else, but just didn’t know what.
“Do you know anyone around here?”
“Not really, I just moved here a week ago!”
“Well, then I guess you can hang out with me if you want to!!” he said with an irresistible inviting look on his face.
“Sure!!” she said with the biggest smile ever (even though she was trying to hide it a bit) while they walked out of the classroom together.
“So, you were looking at me a lot… Why?” he asked curious.
“Well, I…I was just….”
“You have no idea of what you’re going to say do you?” he asked interrupting her.
“You’re right… I have no clue!! I got busted didn’t I?” she said blushing…
“Yeah, but its ok… You seem silly!” he said smiling at her, by now she was about to melt.
“What made you talk to me then?”
“Easy, you’re the first person who had the guts to answer back like that to out English teacher… I had to meet you!!”
“Oh really?? Well, I originally wanted to rip her head off, but I was too sleepy…” she said with an important look on her face. By now they were already joking about things and talking about each other. They spent the whole day hanging around in between classes, talking and laughing, it seemed like they were getting along.
The first day of school was over, and she went home all happy with herself, by that moment not even her mother’s bad mood could ruin the amazing day she had. She actually went through a whole day of school without falling to the floor, crying or wanting to disappear; she was friends with Jake, found out he was one year older than her, he lived two blocks down her house and they talked about what made her move to LA, Jake really could understand her, he kept saying how people were dumb for treating her like that and how Mike was a stupid jerk for doing what he did.
When she got home she was actually happy that her mother wasn’t there, so she went straight to her room, for the first time in her life she managed to keep a REAL smile on her face throughout a whole day of school, nothing much had happened but she was feelling really tired and by 8:30 she could barely keep her eyes open, maybe that was the result of the whole week she spent moving things around.
She went downstairs, and there was no dinner, instead she found her mother watching some movie, so she just made herself a sandwich, grabbed a coke from the fridge and went back to her room and while she was eating she decided to write one more entry on her diary, this one was special, it was a positive one, and it said:

For once,

I’m going to be me,

No matter what anyone says,

No matter what people call me,

Even if they call me freak,

I’ll be the only person I know,

Myself!!No one can change me,

No matter how much they want to argue

And say negative things about me,

My pain and embarrassment is their entertainment.

For once,I’ll be me,My life can’t go on

Unless I’m happy,

And for once,

Being me

Never felt so great,

For once,

I’ll be me,

After all this time

Just trying to find myself,

I finally realize who I am,

And for once,I’m me!!

After writing on her diary she finished her sandwich and her coke and fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow, finally she was going to have a good night and great reasons to want to wake up the next morning and go back to school, maybe this was it, maybe this was where she was supposed to be all along.

The Silent Scream [8th Chapter]

É pequenino mas a imaginação não deu pa mais...o próximo será maior...I promise!"

The idea of keep living in London was like a nightmare, she really hoped they would move to some other place, any place at all, anything would be better than staying there where she had so many bad memories she wanted to leave, and so many good memories with Heather that she had to let go, she had already missed school for a whole week, she still couldn’t stand the idea of going back there, so there’s no way she would ever catch up with whatever it was they were doing there, mostly because she didn’t wanted.
Eventually they found somewhere else to go, they moved to Los Angeles, during the whole trip she just kept thinking if moving really was the best solution to her, was it going to help or only make it worse? Maybe that wasn’t the best moment to question everything, finally her mother understood how she was feeling and she had been kind enough to agree to leave everything behind and move… They were almost there, and well, honestly, LA was far enough from all that shit she always hated.
Finally the plane landed and she was really excited and nervous at the same time, new country, new city, new house, new everything, no one knew her there yet and maybe she would be accepted, or at least not treated as bad as she was back in her old school.
After a 30 minutes ride from the airport they got to the house, it looked cool, it wasn’t huge, but it wasn’t as small as the one they had in London, and it was near her new school, fortunately her mother’s boss was able to find her a job in LA, that way her mom would keep working at the same area, but in a different country.
They went in and all the furniture was already there, during the following week they moved everything around until they found the perfect place to everything, as always it was Rachel’s mother opinion the only one that mattered, so she was the one deciding everything, which was ok by Rachel, she wouldn’t even care if the rest of the house was empty as long as her room was according to what she wanted, so she did some changes too, she took advantage of that week to paint black some of those lame white walls, she moved her furniture around trying to get the placement right, she putted all her posters up on the walls and made some drawings on the walls that stood white.
It felt good being there, even though her mom had gone back to her mad, indifferent, self-centred being, it still was good, it seemed like she wasn’t too happy for moving, even though it was the better thing to do for her daughter, but anyway, Rachel knew that the “loving/understanding mother” facade was just temporary, but still, she had hope.
They finally had finished moving in, her mom was on a bad mood almost every day and Rachel still cried herself to sleep almost every night, it made her feel better to be away, but some of her memories still haunted her, what if things on the new school weren’t any different? She had already made her mind, she would just be herself and hope for the best because, the more you try to be someone else, the more people see you’re not, so she just went to sleep thinking about the next day would be, her first day of school.

The Silent Scream [7th Chapter]

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Some minutes went by and she was going crazy, she was talking to herself, well, maybe not to herself but to her imaginary friend which she called Ben. It had been a while since she brought him up, she had always had Heather by her side, so she didn’t needed some childish character to make her feel better, but now that she was good, that childish character sounded really good.
She looked to her side over to the nightstand where she kept her diary, that was as the first BIG moment on her life since she saw her father leave without saying a word, she thought that maybe if she wrote something about it she would feel better so she wrote one more entry on her diary, saying:

You meant so much to me,
You were special and that’s no lie,
You brightened up the darkest day,
And the cloudiest sky.
Your smile alone warmed my heart,
Your laugh was like music to hear,
I would give absolutely anything,
To have you well and standing near.
Not a second passes,
When you’re not in my mind,
Your love I’ll never forget,
The hurt will ease in time.
Many tears I’ve cried,
They all poured out like rain,
I know you’re happy now,
And no longer in any pain.

She didn’t got out of her room for the rest of the day, and she barely went out of it during a whole week, she wasn’t in the mood to go back to that school, put up with all the shit and get over it by herself, because all she had left were the memories from Heather.
During that whole week she did got out of her house once, just once, and it was to go to Heather’s funeral, it was sad to see her there even though she looked like she was smiling, Rachel just had to think that she was in a better place now, a place where she hoped to go someday.
Her mom was worried, she didn’t wanted to eat, talk or even see anyone, even though seeing the note that Heather left made her realize that it was really something she felt like she had to do, it still was sad and she just stood in her room listening to her music, trying to get away from the whole world.
That week went by and she finally gained strength to go to her mom and ask her something, it was a difficult thing, but she had to do it, she needed to move on, so she went to her and said:
“Mom, I really need to ask you something, it’s really important to me.” She said, afraid of her mom’s reaction.
“What is it sweetie?” her mom said with a nice looking face.
Wow, after what happened her mom really got nicer, too bad it was just temporarily, it was just a matter of time until it got back to what it was before.
“Well, I wondered if we could move, like, to another city or something… I can’t stand being here, everything reminds me of something bad and I really want to move on and start again.” She said looking down.
“You know that’s difficult, there’s your school, and my work, Rachel we have our whole lives here.”
“I know it’s difficult, but we could try, I really need to get out of here, go somewhere new, move on and start over.”
“Ok then, if it is so important to you then I’ll see what I can find; maybe a new start isn’t such a bad idea for both of us after all.”
This conversation had gone well, maybe they would start getting along, she could only hope that it would help her getting over all that was happening, that things in a new school would be better, she hoped she could be accepted and finally be normal, that’s all she ever wanted.